đź–¤Inside my headđź–¤

Hello again, it's Tori. I'm back today with another post.
Again I'm sorry I didn't post last week I was just so busy I didn't get the chance.

So in one of my last posts I said that I wanted to do more diary styled posts and the moral of the story is that I did not. So today I'm going to do a post about feelings / probably nothing about feelings, but who wants quality content when you have this.

•Also sorry just a few notes that are important as I don't want to come under attack:
  -if you know me in person just click of now please,
  -I AM NOT trying to act sad and 'depressed' because it's 'cool' and I want pity, I am just trying to write about me.
  -I don't mean to offend anyone if I do please comment below in a calm manner (i.e. not screaming at me) and explain how I offended you and I will try my best to edit the offending thing out of the post.

•Why am I doing this post? 
  -Again I can't stress this enough I AM NOT doing this post because it's 'cool' and I want pity!
  -I enjoy reading posts about how people feel etc. it shows they are human and I want to show people that I'm only human too,
  -I need to say these things -for me- and why not say them here, where (almost) no one knows me.

Ok... um. So why I think this is so hard for me to write? Stupid rhetorical question, I know why. I am bad with feelings. I'd rather have ground breaking discoveries and conversations over text because idk (But yet I continue to write) I find it easier that way. It doesn't really make a difference tho because I have no one to have these conversations anyway and I don't want to be anymore annoying then I already am by trying to have these conversations with people as they are already fed up at this stage from me being annoying when I attempt to have these conversations (and that's why I'm venting here). Someone once told me that I need to basically suck it up because other wise I will never be able to have an 'emotional' conversation with anyone irl or over text. Which is probably true.

Lately (a.k.a. yesterday) I kind of figured out that I don't accept things fully in my head and lie to myself. For example: I was reading my old diary and I kept saying at the end of my entries 'but I don't really care', 'I don't mind', 'So what', but I remember those things and I know I cared a lot and to some extent it still hurts to think that I was so naive but anyway that's for another post. Moral of that story is that I lie about feeling, even in a diary that no one but me is supposed to see, a medium for getting thinks out of my maze of a head and onto a page to help make sense of it. But I still made everything seem less important. So I think I have trouble accepting things. Don't quote me on that tho I'm not a psychologist.

I just forgot my train of thought um... ahhhhh... I REMEMBER!
Ok right, emotions. Something else I found out lately is that I don't really cry. I cry on the inside but not physically. People always say "cry and let it all out" but I don't cry  (I'm still not a psychologist) and therefore I probably have a lot of pent up emotions.
You know when its 3am and you are in bed reading majorly tumblr posts on pinterest and some how even though you started looking at nice happy stuff you end up reading about life and feelings and the universe and loneliness and death and.. I think you get the idea. I feel the need to cry then but I can't, my heart hurts I feel pain, my eyes feel like they water up but I doubt they do and the tears don't fall in the unstoppable waterfall like they should. So maybe one day when I'm 25 I'll have a break down because maybe just maybe I held it in too long.
I just remembered something please don't think I'm an awful person for it tho. When I was 9, so six years ago I think (whoa I'm kinda not really near being 16 wow ok wow) my nan died. At the funeral (in my nan's house) I vividly remember I didn't cry. I was very upset by this (yet I still didn't cry) I remember complaining to my cousin who was maybe around 25/30 about how I wasn't crying she said something about how that doesn't mean that I'm not sad it just means that I haven't fully accepted it yet. Long story short I cried the whole walk from the house to the church but here is the 'bad' bit, I had to keep repeating in my head 'you are never gonna see nan again' before the tears came, does that make me a bad person? I should probably be crying right now but nope just the pain in my eyes saying "the tear machine is broken just imagine you are crying", my heart hurts tho and there are ghost tear doing what they do best; being IMAGINARY!!!!

So to summarise this post since that was all gibberish.
1. I have trouble talking to people about 'deep' and 'emotional' even tho I like having those conversations, I also don't really have anyone to have these conversations with so that probably also affects it.
2. I have trouble things accepting things and kind of being for a lack of better word 'true' to myself. I often act like things that happened to me don't matter even if they do.
3. I don't cry.

Well now this is over. Sorry it was so long. Ya um...
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