🖤Late night confessions🖤

This is a few diary entry things I wrote over a period of about a week.
Again this is not for attention etc etc etc. I just want to be more open with my blog as well as get shit off my mind.
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12:00am 11/12/2017 
I’ve never felt so alone. The one time I can maybe say I have people who are real friends. I feel alone. Outside of school we all don’t really talk. Except for almost every Saturday when a group of us go to town. At home, at night, I’m all alone. So I message my friend (I'm calling them Saph), getting a glimpse of the last messages sent. Barely a conversation, just a few sentences total, started by me of course, it always is. Basically me just being told it’s late and how they’ll just see me tomorrow. But tomorrow is tomorrow. We will be in school stressing about homework and how we are failing classes. Surrounded by people. Almost every second day now. The same thing, no conversation past two lines, two lines long enough to break my heart. Make me feel more alone then I was before I pressed send. You are always tired. To tired talk. I guess it’s my fault, I should know any contact past eleven is a bad idea. Even if it’s only ten thirty. In school you ask why I am being distant, in my own little world. But you should know by now I find it hard to talk face to face and with others there, especially those I’m not comfortable around. Maybe you’re in the category and that is why I can’t talk about this to your face. If you wanted to know how I am, when I message you to ‘just say hi’ you would reply with more than “I’m tired, good night”. I thought you understood me, but I guess I was wrong.

I have no clue what happened. I just felt like writing. So I did.

 - - - - -
9:36pm another day
So after saying I would stop messaging Saph I DID AGAIN😭
They just stopped reading the messages after the second one. I can see that you don't want to talk but I just can't stop myself from messaging you. Not even the fact I deleted all our messages to remove the temptation. (Which I now strongly regret)

  - - - - -
Another another day
I've been a real bitch lately. I see now, maybe that's why we never talk. Maybe that's why you, Saph, aren't replying. But when you eventually do it's to say it has been a long day.
I shouted at someone today for no reason, their locker smelling "like something died" wasn't true, a definite exaggeration and definitely not an excuse. 
This is no excuse bit still. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm definitely not the person who I want to be. I think I'll cut my hair over the Christmas break. It's time for a change.
Earlier when someone I know said "I didn't think you'd like me. You just didn't seem like that kind of person." I think I died inside. Reminds me of when I met Saph's cousin who she is really close to and they said something along the lines of me acting and dressing like "a popular" person. Have I been lying to myself. Did I get carried away by rolled up and ripped skinny jeans? Who even am I? Certainly not someone I'm proud of. 

Why not check out my other post that is kind of like this, it's what goes on in my head.


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